Random Bits SE
by Nashiil
Summary: Chapter 3 has been posted! Tidus and his friends have a special surprise planned for a certain Unsent Guardian. It might have something to do with his 'special' day.
1. Chapter 1

Yay, Its my (and my twin's)Birthday! I wanted to share the fun, so we got together and wrote this story for all of you who made it to chapter 14 of 'A Random Adventure' and got at least a tiny chuckle out of the 'Random Bits' Series. Thanks to every one who left reviews and offered advice! Look for a new Profile soon.

* * *

Title: Random Bits Special **Chapter 1.**

: Random Bits Special : Random Bits Special : Random Bits Special 

Setting: Yuna and her Guardians have a special surprise planned for a certain Legendary Guardian.

**Besaid Island **- Waterfall Way, Tidus' floating house - The house appears deserted. A palm leaf blows forlornly across the dirt path and is trampled by a familiar black boot.

Lulu peered over the back of the couch, watching Wakka's progress as he crawled commando-style to the window. She could see very little in the dark interior. She could see Yuna crouching beside her, Rikku huddled by the darker shape of a potted plant, Kimahri lurking behind the door like a hairy boogey man, and she could feel Tidus breathing down the back of her neck, humming a suspenseful tune under his breath. The Black Mage was glad that the house had tinted windows, that way; no one would be able to see her murder Tidus.

Wakka disappeared into the darkness, only to reappear moments later in front of the window. The dark silhouette of his hair rose slowly to bob in front of the window like a nervous quail.

"Do you see him?" Rikku hissed, jittery with anticipation.

"Yeah, but he's just standing there."

Auron trudged up to the bizarre boat-like house and paused a good distance away. The little house seemed to wince under the searing scrutiny of the one-eyed Guardian. (It was trying to resist shriveling into the shape of a sun-dried prune.) The house countered by appearing a little too nonchalant. If it had the anatomical ability to posses thumbs, Auron decided, it would be twiddling them innocently right now.

Auron had been invited by Tidus to 'hang out'. He didn't know why because, according to the boy, he was old. _Isn't that what Legendary means?_ He 'harrumphed' to himself as his treacherous memory released one of the boy's earlier comments. Directly behind it came Wakka's reply. _He's not old, ya? He's ageless_. Auron stuffed the memories into dark corner in his mind, punching them down for good measure, then glared at the house. The most primitive part of his brain was jumping up and down, waving a crude spear, and grunting _Danger, Danger!_ Giving the boy the benefit of a doubt, with the understanding that youth ignorance, (better make that stupid. Ignorance is curable, but stupid is forever.) Auron clubbed his inner caveman over the head and approached the house.

"He's coming!" Wakka gasped, turning from the window to scrabble blindly in the sudden darkness of the room. Tripping on his own foot he fell to the floor and log rolled behind the couch. Everyone listened as the cool, yet dignified; melody of Auron's theme drew closer. There was the sudden ringing silence of a lot of people freezing in place, as an almost timid knock sounded on the door. _Since when does he knock? _This was the thought of three quarters of the people in the room. _He usually just fades in. _

Being Unsent, Auron had little use for structures designed to keep others out, like doors, walls, fences, etc. Sure, he used them out of habit, but when it suited him, he had a nasty habit of just 'fading in'. It made for some pretty uncomfortable and quite disturbing situations (depending on who he happened to fade in on).

The star of the historic Zanarkand Abes counted to three before loudly walking to the door to admit Auron.

"You coming in, or what?" The youth chirped brightly, Auron balking in the dark hallway. He gave the boy an appraising look. Tidus was beaming like a miniature sun and he was wearing, in Tidus' new word, a 'ginormous' grin (giant + enormous ginormous). The Unsent warrior looked at all the shiny teeth and knew that, whatever it was, it was going to be bad. Usually the degree of Tidus' grin was relative to the degree of trouble.

"Why aren't there any lights?" He demanded suspiciously. After a brief moment of mental panic, in which his brain farted out all the really good ideas, Tidus collected his scattered brain cells and replied.

"I blew a fuse with my hairdryer and there aren't exactly any Rin shops on this island". Auron snorted. He hated the way Tidus referred to all Al Bhed shops as 'Rin shops'. It annoyed the Farplane out of him.

Despite the plausibility of the answer, the Legendary Guardian remained cautious as he followed Tidus into the dark bowels of the house. As he descended the stairs, Auron sensed the presence of others... a lot of others. He turned in horror as Tidus coughed, sending his instincts into hysterics. _You idiot! I knew it was a trap! I just knew it! Didn't I tell you it...You **never** listen to me! _It was too late.

The room exploded with light and the entire village rose from behind the furniture, swarming the living area like an avenging army, shouting "Surprise!" and "Happy Death Day!" They threw handfuls of confetti in the shape of tiny funeral bodies on him. Auron nearly had a heart attack. (Well, if he had been capable of having one he would have.)

* * *

Please review, its the only present Auron's going to get! 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Random Bits Special **Chapter 2.**

Setting: Yuna and her Guardians have a special surprise planned for a certain Legendary Guardian.

**Besaid Island **- Tidus' floating house - Auron has walked right into his companions' Death Day trap. The party is just getting started.

Auron stared. Tidus had cleaned the place up for the occasion. The X's had taken one look at the sty and called in all the village women. It had been quite an experience for all involved considering that most of the garbage and dirty clothes had developed rudimentary sentience, and the species were not well disposed to being uprooted from their territories. It had required the calling of the island's top animal control specialist.

The person who arrived turned out to be a stooped granny; so old she could only be referred to as neolithic. Most villages, towns, cities, etc., have an elderly woman who commands such respect that rampaging Fiends cower meekly by the side of the road until she passes, and normal animals trample each other in an attempt to get out of her way. One look from her squinty eye could make a Dingo feel ashamed of even _thinking_ about looking at a small child in a riding cloak. Unruly children just didn't stand a chance.

Most of the garbage had to be herded into a pile and burned. It had put up a fight at first, but as soon as Granny had arrived it needed no encouragement to throw itself into the flames. Some of it took one look at her scowling countenance and spontaneously combusted if it was too far from the burn pile. Although Auron had not been present during the cleaning, he was pretty sure that it must have taken days of preparation.

The whole house was decked out in 'Death' Day finery. A latticework of filigree streamers criss-crossed the ceiling, meeting in the center with a whimsical knot of paper Farplane flowers. A profusion of gossamer tassels resembling pyre-flies danced from motorized wires amidst the balloons dotting the ceiling. Every single one of the guests was dressed in an 'Auron' costume. (Except for Kimahri, for whom a large enough costume could not be found. He was, however wearing the sunglasses and had a sake jug tied at his waist. He also had a pyre-fly streamer tied around his broken horn.)

Auron was in shock as Yuna and Rikku dragged him to the head of a goodie-laden table, and sat him in a special chair. It was covered with shiny paper, streamers and balloons, and had the over all appearance of a cheap prostitute. He allowed himself to be pushed into it where a paper crown bearing the words 'Deathday Boy', written in a second-grader's hand, was crammed onto his head.

"What is all of this?" Auron finally snapped in dazed irritation.

"Well," Tidus explained, "Since you're Unsent and all, you can't really celebrate a birthday anymore. So, we decided to give you a Deathday party instead!"

Auron stared around at all the smiling, expectant faces. Despite the absurdity of it all, he was touched. He sank into his collar, embarrassed at all the attention, (Sure the whole village had turned out, but they used anything as an excuse to throw a party. There was that dead whale about three weeks ago, for instance.) getting an unaccustomed fuzzy feeling.

"We wanted to celebrate the, now eleven, years that you've been dead, ya?" Wakka said, thrusting a cup shaped like a saké jug into his numb hands. He looked at Kimahri, who was busy lapping the punch from his jug, but he only shrugged in reply.

"And hope that you'll stick around for a few more." Rikku chirped, hopping up and down in excitement.

"Yeah. We all kinda got used to you hanging around." Tidus said with a grin, then continued bashfully.

"You're more my old man than Jecht ever was."

"And you've been wonderful friend." Yuna added.

Auron murmured a 'thank you', flushing with pleasure. He watched curiously as Kimahri stepped forward, the picture of grim seriousness.

"Kimahri sing traditional Ronso Funeral song." he rumbled. He stood at stiff attention, tail twitching in irritation, glaring at the yammering guests. No one seemed to be paying him any attention. His ears flattened and he growled deep in his throat. Tidus, sensing the imminent extinction of the village, jumped up on the small coffee table and shouted.

"Hey! Hey, everyone. Everybody shut up!"

"Hey! We get a free table dance at this party!"

"Shut up, Wakka!"

"Take it off!"

"Yuna!"

Auron chuckled to himself as the catcalls bombarded the youth. He decided to add his own.

"Make it better than your performance at Bevelle."

"Auron!" Tidus cried, a wave of laughter breaking over the crowd.

Kimahri growled and grabbed the nearest villager, who uttered at satisfying squeak and paled nicely.

"_Kimahri sing now!_"

Auron had never heard such a large crowd of people fall silent so quickly. It was almost like magic. Every race has a highway of Rage. It's where they take their enemies, irritating people, or annoying siblings, and throw them out the window. Some highways are paved, and some are little more that dirt tracks (Yuna's Highway), while others were a little rougher, like Kimahri's Highway. (Think large, sharp chunks of granite). No one wanted to be thrown onto that Highway. Those who had not happened to hear the Ronso's statement, where quickly elbowed into silence by friends or family members who weren't looking forward to a funeral of their own.

Kimahri cleared his throat with a rumble and launched into his song. It couldn't really be called a song, seeing as how it did not seem to have any actual words. It was more of a roaring, grunting, growl that followed a very vague rhythm and that was accompanied by a dance that could have only been described as aboriginal. The party guests mumbled gamely along about halfway through, just to have something to do, and they all complimented the Ronso on his splendid performance. It was a prudent move on their part, since one of the many Universal Laws of Spira states: An Unhappy Ronso makes for an Unhappy village. (An unhappy Ronso also equals the three D's. That's death, doom, and destruction.)

After the funeral song, Auron's companions raised their saké jugs and said a few words in his honor. Various toasts were made (mostly as an excuse to stand on the coffee table); everyone raising their Auron jugs (another one of Tidus' irritating terms.) high before attempting to down the contents in one gulp. The enthusiastic quaffing resulted in the drenching of whoever was behind the quaffer, since the cup was tossed back at the same time as the head with the intention of flinging the drink as far from the mouth as possible. It also led to permanent stains on Tidus' carpet, and was nearly the end of Wakka's existence. Lulu was not happy about having his drink splashed all over her back. Wakka's pleas for mercy could still be heard.

After the toasts were made and the guests calmed down, came the best part of the party: Cake Time. Clasko's 'Amazing Singing Chocobos' were brought in and lined up, as everyone got ready to sing to the 'Deathday' boy. (The sign that he set up actually read Claskos' Sublimely Magnificent Singing Chocobos, but the Sublimely Magnificent had been crossed out and replaced with Amazing.) He was having a hard time keeping the birds focused, as they kept grabbing at the steamers and ribbons hanging from the ceiling, and pecking the fruit and the big Flan Jell-o mold on the table. Later Tidus would face the task of scooping out the massive chocobo droppings himself, which were far from solid, considering all of the watery fruit they had consumed.

Auron was little knot of silence in the storm of celebration as his friends sang a modified Happy Birthday song. They also formed a mob and danced around him in a rough circle. By the end of the song, Lulu had brought out the cake and set it next to the Flan, which was so life like that Auron kept waiting for it to wobble out the door.

Lulu and Yuna had worked very hard decorating the cake. It had been a battle of sorts, with Wakka and Tidus running in to steal icing off the top. Even Kimahri had joined the raid, though he denied it, even when Lulu pointed out the claw marks and blue fur in the icing. Auron smiled in spite of himself when he saw the cake. It was shaped like Lady Yunalesca and decorated down to the last detail. Eleven candles wreathed her head, waiting to be lit. Tidus had been all for placing the candles in various areas of the Lady's body, but Lulu had given the boy one of her Looks, and put the candles in more appropriate places.

It is said that everyone walks down the Road of Life. Everyone has their own Road to travel on that is littered with its own unique Mile Stones, Signs, Dreams, Mental Breakdowns, Terrors and the corpses of Social Blunders. Auron had long ago come to the end of his Road, and now had the option of revisiting his familiar path. For most people this happens at the last moment of life, when that person remembers all the good and bad things that they have passed on their personal Road. Since Auron was Unsent, he freely traveled back and forth, stopping often to read the Historical Markers. (A modern day tortured device that can add hours to any road trip.) For Auron, the 'ewwww' factor of many of Life's, Terrors and Social Blunders had worn off, and all that remained was an idle wondering if someone was going to come clean up the carcasses.

Auron pondered the new Mile Stone (so new that there was still rock dust from the construction crew that had carved it) that read 'Death Day'. Another reminder of that horrible day. The carcass of his defeat by Lady Yunalesca, still gently rotting in the heat of his embarrassment, lay in the ditch next to the marker. The stench of it eventually drove Auron back to reality.

Auron blinked as his field of vision widened to reveal the silently smiling guests. They seemed to be waiting for something; some of them were leaning so far over the table that they were in danger of igniting themselves on the candles. Rikku, unable to control her excitement any longer, shrieked "Blow them out!"

"Not over that collar!" Wakka teased, flipping the enormous collar. Auron paused in mid-blow, attempting a scathing glare. It was here that several emotions, in their confusion, collided. The result was an incredibly goofy grin that was forever immortalized on sphere.

Auron made a wish, pulled down his collar, and blew. A short, loud wave of cheers and applause was born. It had a quarter-second life span before it died and the guests held out their plates.

"I've got the knockers!" Tidus exclaimed, shoving his way through the crowd with Botta right behind him yelling " I'll take a piece of a...aaarm...". He finished lamely.

Lulu paused in mid-slice, fixing both of the boys with alook so dark; it made the inside of a Courel look bright in comparison. They both settled for a knee. (ouch.) Everyone dug into their cake once they solved the problem of how to eat it around their collars, most not even bothering to use a fork.

Auron took his time eating his cake, not that he was savoring it. It had more to do with the fact that Lulu had given him the knockers. He was having a hard time deciding how to begin eating them. It's not every day that you are served a piece of cake in the shape of someone's personal anatomy. He was distracted by Wakka, whom he noticed was casually sidling up beside the unsuspecting Ronso. Auron forgot all about his cake, more interested in the mischievous glint in Wakka's eyes.

"Here, let me help you with that!" Wakka crowed, mushing the cake into Kimahri's face. There was a sudden hush as the crowd of Death Day well-wishers turned as one to look at Kimahri. The only sounds were the plopping of the cake globs onto the floor and Wakka's braying laughter. No one noticed Auron leave his Deathday Throne.

Fur sticky with cake and icing Kimahri 'yrowled' as he snorted icing out of his nose, tail twitching. The partiers held their collective breath as Kimahri raised a paw and... proceeded to wash his face. Licking his palm and wiping it down his face until all of the mess was gone, he remained surprisingly calm.

Everyone relaxed assuming it was safe, but a moderately sized empty zone appeared around Kimahri. Kimahri glowered at Wakka, fur standing on end, who had already retreated to the far side of the house. (The Auroch's captain could move surprisingly fast when he needed to and it had nothing to do with playing blitzball. It came from years of being pursued by Big Scary Monsters...like Lulu, for example.)

Wakka was currently standing in his victory pose, basking in the glory of his prank and the blitzball team's praise. Kimahri was contemplating revenge when he noticed Auron place restraining hands on Wakka's shoulders. An unspoken message passed between them and Kimahri headed for the Yunalesca cake. Wakka abruptly swallowed his triumphant grin, nearly choking, as it became a hard lump of dread in his throat.

Kimahri bared his teeth in a grin that only a large predator at the top of the food chain is capable of, and stalked towards Wakka. (Only those who have seen Kimahri's attempts at a smile would understand the horror that Wakka witnessed. It's also the last thing small prey-type animals see.)

"It was just a little joke, ya?" Wakka gibbered nervously as Kimahri raised the cake, chuffing wickedly.

"Come on buddy, don't do this!"

"Just small joke…ya?" Kimahri purred, toying with the struggling blitzball captain.

"Ha. Ha. Hilarious. Put the cake down!"

"Wakka say 'ahhhhhh'." Kimahri snarled, ignoring the man's pathetic pleas for mercy and smashing the cake into his face.

"There they go." Rikku sighed as Tidus joined Auron and Kimahri in scooping cake off the carpet and grinding it into Wakka's hair.

"He did deserve it." Lulu said with a smile. "And look how much Auron is enjoying himself."

"He's never looked so alive...er, energetic." Rikku said.

"Poor Wakka!" Yuna gasped as Auron and Tidus helped Kimahri rub Wakka on the carpet. Any pity Yuna was feeling for Wakka instantly vanished as Kimahri lifted him by the collar and dragged him towards a lone chocobo. Oblivious to Wakka's struggles and cries, the Ronso effortlessly lifted him and, while Auron and Tidus held the chocobo still, rubbed his face into its fluffy rear.

The chocobo's indignant squawk threw the three female guardians into a fit of laughter. Wakka's muffled cries mixed with the chocobo's horrified shrieks as both struggled to escape. Yuna was nearly in tears when Wakka was allowed to breathe air with out the filtering properties of a chocobo's feathers. He sat back, spitting out feathers and rose slowly to mummy-walk towards the women. (This particular walk involved attempting to walk and hold as many of his limbs away from his body as physics allows. The end result was an odd lurching stumble.) With a new pelt of carpet fuzz, chocobo feathers, party detritus, and still moist chocobo droppings, Wakka was even too disgusted to give Lulu the hug he had been contemplating. It wouldn't have been conductive to a long life anyhow. He had learned a valuable lesson today: Don't tease the cat.

* * *

Yay! I finally got ch 2 up! Sorry for the delay, but it's mid term season. Have a piece of Deathday cake on meand review if you like!


	3. Chapter 3

Here is the final chapter for SE, I really enjoyed writing it, and I hope you all enjoyed reading this fic. Sorry it took so long for me to post it, but my computer has taken it upon itself to bombard me with error messages and crash a) due to overheating, b)when I move the screen, c)because of registry problems, and d)when ever it feels like it. To those of you who have made this far: have some of the jell-o flan, a party hat, and take a turn at one of the party games.

**Special thanks** to Auron'sGhost, (A very talented writer. Read his fics if you don't believe me) who provided the wonderful Deathday gifts for Auron, and who was one of my very first reviewers. Thanks for all the technical support. You helped me get my fics up and running (or at least gamely limping along).

Title: Random Bits Special **Chapter 3.**

Setting: Yuna and her Guardians have a special surprise planned for a certain Legendary Guardian.

**Besaid Island **- Tidus' floating house - Wakka has cleaned himself up and its time for games and gifts.

Auron, slapping his lackeys on the shoulders and chuckling in amusement at Wakka, found that he was enjoying himself. He discovered that the party games were quite entertaining with Pin-the-Trunk-on-the-Shoopuff, secretly being his favorite. He loved how the laughter of the crowd turned into the terrified screams of a lot of people trying to avoid one disoriented person with a very sharp pin.

This is common phenomenon throughout the universe. Large crowds of people, upon finding themselves faced with Danger, turn as one and attempt to flee in the same direction at the same time. All moving at the same pace results in the people closest to the Danger (usually the more curious who were the first to stop and investigate) shoving or climbing the backs of those in front. This is also the reason that half the herd of various species of bovines dies during migration. If you fall down it just makes a path for those behind you.

While Yuna bandaged the multitude of stab wounds Tidus and Kimahri literally picked Auron up and carried him to his throne. (okay, so Kimahri did all the heavy lifting.)

Auron struggled and swore as he was stuffed into the Ronso's furry armpit (no, Ronsos don't wear deodorant) and then dropped into his chair.

He was not even given time to form a coherent thought before a square object was shoved into his hands. His brain finally grabbed his Thought Processes and slapped them awake. Auron found himself staring down at a shiny present. It was a small box wrapped in shiny black paper, and tied with a ribbon. He looked at his friends, who smiled encouragingly and urged him to open the gift.

Curiosity and Dread vied for control of the Legendary Guardian as Auron began to carefully peel back tape on the shiny wrapping. It was his first Deathday gift and he was determined to save as much memorabilia as possible. This is a common practice among the elderly (if you have an elderly relative you will know what I'm talking about). In some dark fusty closet they have stacks of moldering wrapping paper that hasn't seen the light of day for decades. They usually insist that they are saving it for future use...like lining their coffins with. And yes, they know the year, date, and gift each paper wrapped. In some cases they even know what friend or sibling it belonged to, because they are not above taking someone else's discarded paper.

"Just tear it already!" Rikku squealed, hopping up and down excitedly. Auron looked at her like she was insane. Tidus, seeing that Auron was determined to take all day about opening his gift, glanced around and waved to the Aurochs. Tidus, being sport oriented, was programmed for fast-paced action, and when forced to slow down to the normal humdrum of daily activities, became easily bored.

Thus he organized the Aurochs into a line behind Auron and led them in the chant: "Rip! Rip! Rip!" Auron took his time. _Let them squirm!_

Auron finally removed all of the wrapping paper, and with slightly unsteady hands, lifted the lid off the present. There in the depths of the gift box lay a small sphere, which seemed to be staring at him. Closer inspection revealed it to be a glass eye. Which was sitting next to a tube of some unknown substance upon which was printed "For the reduction of visible scars". Both items lay atop a white length of cloth: a sling.

Auron stared, having somehow lost his ability to speak. All of his senses had left their regular jobs and were crowded at the front of his brain for a better look. He looked at Tidus, who raised his hands and waved them defensively in front of him. It seemed like something the boy would have come up with.

"Don't look at me! I wanted to give you a pet cactuar."

"A fake eye, a sling, and a tube of scar reducer?" Auron said, utterly bemused.

"Yeah." Wakka interjected, looking to his friends for support. "Since you lost your other eye, we all decided to give you another one. Sure its fake, but at least you won't scare small girls anymore."

"And we got you a proper sling for your arm so you won't have to use your coat anymore." Rikku chirped shyly. Auron didn't bother to tell her that there was nothing wrong with his arm in the first place.

"Kimahri and Tidus give scar cream too, so face not look ugly." Kimahri rumbled.

Kimahri had been listening to Yuna and the girls talk about make up and concealers to hide blemishes and scars. He had learned quite a lot about humans since his job required him to follow Yuna around where ever she went. Although he had heard them say that he was handsome in a rugged, distinguished way, he would look a lot less scary without that scar. Kimahri could have cared less, but to him all humans were ugly and bright make up only made things worse.

"Um...thanks."

"Just kidding!" Tidus snickered, as Lulu set a small gift wrapped in white paper with a small Farplane flower as a bow down in front of him. After another slow unwrapping, the box revealed an old sphere. Yuna smiled at her Guardians as Auron leaned in to look at the sphere. After a moment he sat back with a soft chuckle.

"I had almost forgotten that sphere." He leaned forward for a second look. In the depths of the orb was a picture of himself, Jecht, and Braska standing beside the Shoopuff ferry. They looked more like tourists than three people out to destroy Sin, with big grins and Jecht giving the sphere a 'thumbs up'. Braska had put bunny ears on Auron.

"Thank you." He mumbled, meaning it this time.

The party wrapped up quickly from there. The guests all thanked Tidus for the party, and lined up to congratulate Auron, who submitted to having his picture taken with his fellow Guardians. Tidus was just finishing complaining about the picture (Auron had slapped him on the back of the head just as O'aka hit the button) when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned to find the entire village crowed behind him, doing various versions of the Potty Dance.

He was unnerved by all the eyes watching him with intense desperation. He had the disconcerting feeling that things were about to get ugly. "Um, Yeah?"

" Can we use your bathroom?"

Tidus blinked, taken aback by the request. With perfect innocence he replied "Who said I had a bathroom?"

The End.

* * *

Okay, party's over! Please feel free to take the party favors lying around, if you can find then in the debris. Oh, and don't forget to leave a review. (Tidus really wants to know if you enjoyed the party!) 


End file.
